Controlled by Grief

Today (January 9, 2004) has been 16 years since my daddy passed away. That day was a day I began to let grief control my life instead of allowing the Lord to heal my heart. 2 Corinthians 7:10 For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. My heart was broken when my mom called me early that morning telling me that my daddy died in his sleep earlier in the morning. I remember on the way to their house I prayed and begged God to please let my daddy wake up. Lord I will do whatever you want me to do, please bring him back.

I allowed that one event to change my life and view of God. I turned my back on God because I felt like it wasn’t fair and of all the people in the world, why him? I was daddy’s girl! We were so close and my kids ( 7 & 5 at the time) loved and adored him. I turned from church and anything that had to do with the Lord. I began to smoke weed everyday, and party every weekend trying so hard to numb the pain. I didn’t want to deal with the hurt and pain not realizing I was causing more hurt and pain to follow! This went on for about 4 years.

That saying “Sin will take you farther than you want to go and keep you longer than you want to stay” was playing out in my life. Psalm 31:10 For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with signing; my strength falls because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away. Grief, bitterness, and anger consumed me! In all of this was 2 little kids that I selflessly didn’t think about, they didn’t deserve any of it. I was always their mom but bitterness, anger, and grief turned me into a woman that no longer was the same person prior to his passing. I don’t remember those four years concerning my kids! That is a hard thing to admit!

I hit rock bottom sitting in my living room alone folding clothes. I considered taking my own life but instead of doing that I cried out to the Lord. I cried to him saying “Lord I know you are real and I know you love me but I have made a mess of things . I need you take all this anger, bitterness, grief, and brokenness because I am tired of this life I created! In that moment of brokenness, He took all the anger, bitterness, and heartache away. I felt nothing but peace! Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

I will share what he did in me after that day another time but allowing grief to control my life took me down a long dark road. Uncontrolled grief didn’t just affect me but everyone in my life! Looking back I know I could have lost everything but I am so thankful I got a second chance! Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Nothing is wrong with grieving but don’t allow it to consume your life! Ecclesiastes 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Instead allow the Lord to give you comfort and peace that he can only give! 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.